Yesterday the President held a reception for gays memorializing Stonewall.  He asked to be judged by what his administration does with respect to DOMA and Don't Ask, Don't Tell vs. what it hasn't done so far. That's fair, but the big question is, when will he do something? 

I need to find another place to post my letter comparing civil unions and gay marriage to Obama's law degree.  The posting I sent to the WSJ is right here (they didn't pick it up):

Congratulations to Harvard for adding its weight to the quest to further understand lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people and lifestyles. Perhaps Harvard’s step in this direction will influence President Obama as he ponders gay marriage and gay military service. I’m sure the President was extremely proud the day he received his Juris Doctor degree from Harvard. But I wonder - what if instead he received a Juris Practitioner degree, because only whites were awarded the Juris Doctor? Despite being told that both degrees carried the same basic benefits, in his heart he’d know that one carried the prestige of being a doctor, while the other simply awarded the opportunity to practice. Would he be as full of pride? I doubt it. The same holds true for being in a union vs. being married. They are not the same, and everyone knows it.

I guess I could send it into Newsweek. I think I'll do that!

In the end, I believe that Obama will reverse Don't Ask, Don't Tell.  And now he's given federal benefits to gay partners and allowed gays to use married names on passports.  But what about gay marriage and gay adoption?  I don't think he'll really do anything here.  I believe he's having trouble reconciling his religous views with fully accepting gays.  Time will tell, but this is what I think.

Today it's 40 years! I was only 12 in 1969, but by then I knew I was different. I didn't know about Stonewall, at least I don't remember hearing about it when it happened. But it had a huge impact on my life, I do know that. 

When I was at Boston College, I thought I accepted my gayness.  This was in 1975. I met a woman and we fell in love. It's only now, 34 years later, that I realize I may have not fully accepted myself. I spent 25 years with this woman.  All these years, and three kids later, I am now truly doing the work to embrace myself as a lesbian. It's not that I am uncomfortable with my sexuality. I am. I love women, and I always will.  I watch women I don't know, ones who attract my attention, wondering what they are like. Not necessarily sexually, but emotionally, deep down inside. Same with the women I know, although I realize that many don't want to go to the emotional level I want to.

Funny, but Stonewall's anniversary feels a bit like my own. I've known I was gay for 40 years. But I'm continuing on my own personal path of unraveling what that really means. Just as the country is travelling down it's path with DOMA and Don't Ask.

The most disturbing this for me right now, is how lesbian moms seems to feel its okay to raise kids in families and then deny the other mother the right to have a relationship with their child. How does this happen?  Two woman meet and fall in love.  They decide to have a family. Together, they have a few kids. Time goes by and the parents relationship falters.  The couple grows apart.  Isn't this what often happens in long term relationships?  But, then when they split, the biological mother tells the other mother than she was nothing, meant nothing, and that the children they brought into life together, only belong to her.  That this goes on so often, is just unimaginable to me.

What about the kids?  Is it okay to deny them access to a person they were told was their parent?  How will this play out long term?  

Jeffrey Lax and Justin Phillips from Columbia University studied state by state attitudes on gay marriage in the U.S.  They found that the popularity of gay marriage has increased fastest in the states where gay rights were already relatively popular in the 1990s. 


In 1995, support for gay marriage was more than 30% in only six states: New York, Rhode Island, Connecticut, Massachusetts, California, and Vermont. Since then, in these states, support for gay marriage has increased by an average of almost 20 percentage points. On the otherhand, support has increased by less than 10 percentage points in the six states that in 1995 were most anti-gay-marriage--Utah, Oklahoma, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, and Idaho.

For the full detail, including a state by state analysis of acceptance of gay marriage and civil union in the 1990's compared to today, see:


http://www.stat.columbia.edu/~cook/movabletype/archives/2009/06/gay_marriage_a.html

This is great.  You'll laugh so hard! She's wonderful. Listen to her talk about dating men when she was younger. She says, "That means most of you well end up being gay." She also talks about when her girlfriend was killed in a car accident when she was about twenty.

Here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYbMY13THH0

In my own situation, I had to sue my ex partner for visitation of our youngest - her biological child. Fortunately she settled.  Many others are not so lucky as I was. Now I have access to all my children. The two older ones live with me, the youngest with her. The world has to put kids first!!

From the blog - Beyond (Straight and Gay) Marriage - http://beyondstraightandgaymarriage.blogspot.com/:

Since the disgraceful case of Alison D. almost 20 years ago, New York courts have closed their doors to nonbiological mothers seeking visitation rights with their child after the couple splits up. Doesn't matter if the child knows she has two moms; New York law says she doesn't. The only exception is when the nonbio mom completes a second-parent adoption. Of course that's the best protection for all gay families, but it costs lots of money and takes time, so many couples don't do it.

Well, now comes the flip side of this dreadful approach to our families. A New York appeals court has held that a nonbio mom cannot be required to pay child support. In H.M. v. E.T., the couple had a child when H.M. became pregnant using unknown donor insemination. After the couple split up, H.M. filed for child support. The court ruling, which incurred a strong dissent, said that the court could only hear paternity cases, not those involving determinations of maternity.

Courts do have the doctrine necessary to do right in these cases, and many states have. But the surest way is a legislative fix. The American Bar Association Model Act Governing Assisted Reproductive Technology says that a person who consents to a woman's insemination with the intent to be a parent of the child is a parent. New Mexico adopted this language earlier this year. D.C. is on its way to doing so.

I know the legislative action in New York is all about marriage. But 40 years ago the US Supreme Court ruled that children born outside marriage should not face discrimination. A child of heterosexual unmarried parents is entitled to the same relationship with and support from both parents as a child of heterosexual married parents. We've got to have the same result for our children, even if same-sex couples can marry.

Anyone listening?

October 11th is National Coming Out Day. Cleve Jones, who worked closely with Harvey Milk, said the march planned for Oct. 11 will coincide with National Coming Out Day and launch a new chapter in the gay rights movement. Mark your Calendars!

Harvard announced yesterday that they were endowing a chair to study gays, lesbians, bisexual, and transgender people. This is obviously very good news, despite the fact that a number of other colleges have programs studying gay lifestyles. The news was covered in the NY Times, and I wrote the following letter to the editor about it:

Dear Editor,

Re: Harvard to Endow Chair in Gay Studies – June 3, 2009

Congratulations to Harvard for adding its weight to the quest to further understand lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people and lifestyles. Perhaps Harvard’s step in this direction will influence President Obama as he ponders gay marriage and gay military service. I’m sure the President was extremely proud the day he received his Juris Doctor degree from Harvard. But I wonder - what if instead he received a Juris Practitioner degree, because only whites were awarded the Juris Doctor? Despite being told that both degrees carried the same basic benefits, in his heart he’d know that one carried the prestige of being a doctor, while the other simply awarded the opportunity to practice. Would he be as full of pride? I doubt it. The same holds true for being in a union vs. being married. They are not the same, and everyone knows it.

Today's most e-mailed articles include four on gay equality topics.  See the ones in red below.

1. U.S. Accidentally Releases List of Nuclear Sites
2. Bill Proposes Immigration Rights for Gay Couples
3. Harvard to Endow Chair in Gay Studies
4. San Francisco Journal: A Quacking Kazoo Sets Off a Squabble
5. New Hampshire Legalizes Same-Sex Marriage
6. Slump Pushing Cost of Drugs Out of Reach
7. N.H. Legislature Approves Gay Marriage
8. Obama Urges Quick Action on Insurance
9. Cigarettes Without Smoke, or Regulation
10. Bush Rule Bolstering Deportations Is Withdrawn

I bet this has never happened! We're moving ahead in a big way. NH has fallen in line. Now we all need to get prepared for Maine - in case they try and change their status and ban gays from marrying.

I watched Obama on TV last night - some show had a tour of the White House on. He was asked if he was a friend to gay people. He answered he thought he was - he believed in equal treatment with respect to benefits. He said he believes that civil unions give gays this. But, he is wrong. How can we get through to him? I was thinking, what is really important to him and to his life? I thought of his law school degree for some reason. I'm sure given where he came from, that the day he graduated from law school was an especially important day for him. But what if his diploma was red, and his achievement was called something different than what the whites called it. Would he have felt equal? Surely not. I need to think more about this. 

It's great news! Another state behind us! I wish as much attention would be paid to states allowing gay people to adopt. Both are equally important.

I watched a documentary about Rosie O'Donnell's cruise ship. It was overwhelmingly moving to see all the gays with kids, but especially the men. Huge grown men together with their own babies, toddlers, and teenagers! It was wonderful. A sight everyone should see. Everyone was so happy!