Whitney is back!!  Her new album (after seven years) - "I Look to You," is finally out. 

For a view of one of the songs on the album, take a look at "I Didn't Know my Own Strength" at  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6w9hro6B1tQ&feature=related.  In this song, Whitney sings about how she crashed down and tumbled but she got through the pain.  She's "holding her head up high."  This song is good for anyone who's hit a low point in their life and has had to get back up, get back in the game, and move ahead.  It can be tough to do, but as Whitney says, "I was not built to break."  Neither are the rest of us.  We all have the power to stand up and hold our heads up high.

Right now, "I Don't Know my Own Strength," has only 3,120 views (but come on, it just came out today!).  Whitney's most memorable song, "I'll Always Love You," on the other hand, has 9,333,555 views on UTube.  Watch it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGC003Xz3CY.  Let's hope her new album does well.  She certainly deserves it. 

Here's a great article on After Ellen announcing the new album. http://www.afterellen.com/blog/stuntdouble/whitney-houston-preps-for-a-comeback.
 
Why is Whitney such a gay icon?  I really don't know.  She is tall, dark, and beautiful.  Her voice is sexy and romantic.  She's lived a lot of heartache.  Maybe this is why - her heart's been broken, but we've seen her get up and forge ahead over and over and over.  We're used to this, right?  Here's a list of Gay Icons by "Shopping the Hate" - an organization dedicated to stopping hate crimes.  The group is also called, the "Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Human Rights Coalition.  See:  http://www.stoppingthehate.com/News-Article272_The_Top_50_Gay_Icons_Of_All_Time_By_Meghan_Chavalier_Stopping_The_Hate_Exclusive_List.htm.

I hope you'll listen to some cuts off the new CD.  Some are really great.  You can hear them at
http://www.whitneyhouston.com/us/home, but you'll have to register.  Let's support Whitney's comeback - enjoy the music. 

People come and go in your life - I know this.  But, other than in death, why does it have to be this way? 

Why my ex and I broke up it was traumatic - for us, our kids, and for our friends and families.  Most of our friends and family members felt forced to make a choice - most friends stuck with me, despite saying they were open to seeing her - but she divorced herself from them.  Her family completely abandoned me, saying that if they stayed in touch with me, she felt they were betraying her.  I never felt that it needed to be like this, but for some reason she did.  But now. in the past month I've seen more of my ex-partner's family than I have since we split up almost five years ago.  I had seen them all briefly at the funeral for my ex-partner's father, but I was only there for a few minutes - just wanted to pay my respect for a man who was in my life for more than twenty years.  A man I loved and felt loved by.  When my ex left me abruptly for someone else, I heard he didn't even want to meet the new person for a long time - he felt so sorry for our family and for me.  

I wonder if we'd all staying in touch, if they'd been there a little bit to grieve with me, whether it would be more comfortable for us to see each other now.  I think it would have been.  After being in their lives for twenty years, all of a sudden I wasn't.  Holidays hosted at our house, ones I did most of the cleaning and cooking for, were now held at my ex's new house - with her new partner or at the homes of her siblings.  I wasn't on the invite list anymore.  It hurt.  No one called.  It was like I didn't exist for them anymore.  

Now I've seen her family members a few times when I've had to pick up my youngest for his time with me and he's been with them.  They give me hugs, they smile, and act all friendly.  They inquire as to how I am.  And on some level, they sound sincere.  But are they?  I don't really know.  It's tough to overcome the feeling of being tossed out of their lives at the same time I lost my immediate family as I knew it and the partner I'd expected to be with forever.

We all have losses.  Friends grow apart. Children grow up, move out and parent-child relationships are different, maybe not lost, but not the same.  People move away.  We change jobs, moving away from office mates. We take jobs in other states. 

I think that LGBT people are, both more prone to having losses and less likely to lose.  What do I mean?  When you come out as gay or lesbian, many people don't understand - all of a sudden they can't relate to you anymore.  They may even reject you or try to change you.  So often, you either leave these people behind or they leave you.  On the other hand, as these past relationships are lost, you build a new community around you.  I'm always amazed how many of my gay friends are still in touch and have positive relationships with past lovers.  When you are finally accepted for being yourself, it feels overwhelming.  I know the friends who I know truly love and respect me for who I am.  And I'm going to do everything I can in my power to stay deeply connected with them for life. 

Sometimes people are so afraid of their own homosexual longings - and I don't necessarily mean people who are even gay - that they run from what might otherwise be very positive and meaningful relationships in their lives.  I'm going to write more on this in another post.  For now, let me just say, try and keep people you love close to you.  Be patient and wait for them.  Maybe they'll come around someday.  And try and stay positive and be good.  Keep trying to show the people you care about them, no matter what they may be struggling with that keeps them from being open and loving towards you.

I was just reading Obama's eulogy for Ted Kennedy.  There's a part on the eulogy that reflects what I'm trying to talk about here:

 

"We cannot know for certain how long we have here. We cannot foresee the trials or misfortunes that will test us along the way. We cannot know what God's plan is for us.  What we can do is to live out our lives as best we can with purpose, and with love, and with joy. We can use each day to show those who are closest to us how much we care about them, and treat others with the kindness and respect that we wish for ourselves. We can learn from our mistakes and grow from our failures. And we can strive at all costs to make a better world, so that someday, if we are blessed with the chance to look back on our time here, we know that we spent it well; that we made a difference; that our fleeting presence had a lasting impact on the lives of others."

I try and live my life this way - of course I am not always successful, but I try my best.  Have a nice Sunday!

How do relationships deepen?  One person takes a risk and discloses something meaningful to another.  The other person responds in a caring way.  Then the respondee shows some vulnerability about something.  The other person is open and accepting.  Both people feel that the other one wanted to understand and so they each take another risk, and so on, and so on and so on. 

Some people seem to only be able to live their lives at the 30,000 foot level.  The rest, who can live and love in a more deep state, can only operate at this level with a few people.  There are very few who can have a significant, deep relationship with many people at once.  Some may think they can, but they probably don't know the depth I'm talking about.

What level am I thinking of?  It's when two people create a space of complete acceptance and understanding.  They seek to understand eachother fully and completely.  Love is more than love - it's a way of being together - a way where one can complete each other's thoughts and sentences.  Some people may refer to this as what lovers do, or call these people soul mates.  But in fact, the feelings are even deeper than this.  The two people create a special place together that is nurturing and nourishing.  But, it's not necessarily sexual and it doesn't require the two people to live their lives together.  It many not even last that long.  But once you've experienced it, you know what it is and it fills you up.  

Many gays and lesbians fall into this type of love - it's a type you have no choice but to follow, because it calls you and draws you in.  Some may call it filling a void that was missed in childhood, early childhood.  I call it lucky.  Superbly lucky.  Few people feel this in life.  My nonstatistically correct and independent poll tells me that gays and lesbians feel this type of love more than straight people do.  Perhaps it's the sameness of the sexes.  Perhaps it's finally being accepted and loved for who you are.

Maybe if more straight people understood this deep connection, there would be in increased willingness to accept gay marriage - or less of an ability to reject it.  Once you've felt this type of love, it's difficult to accept anything more limited.  You look for it all the time.  I wish we could all seek out this place and find it with those we love.  

 

Tonight I spent the evening at a Veteran's bar.  A good friend was invited to sing in a band playing at the bar.  A group of us went to support her.  The attendees - most of whom looked like regulars - seemed to be having a good time.  Three women occassionally danced alone (and sometimes together) on the dance floor, while the rest of us listened to the music and watched.  It was a fun night - good conversations with friends and a few drinks.

While I didn't think about it the whole time I was there, when I got home my mind drifted to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."  I wondered if the few veterans in the hall tonight would have cared if they knew I was a lesbian.  I'm on the fence about this.

Many people are able to practice tolerance today.  They can put up with us - we're different, but in many ways were the same.  Problem is, today most people fake acceptance and just put up with us.  They coexist along with us.  Obviously that's better than alienating themselves from us. 

Tonight the bar attendees seemed to be putting up with us.  Clearly, we invaded their space.  And while they were happy the bartender got a few more tips in light of the larger than usual crowd, we were still outsiders.  It would be nice to be gay and be considered an insider.  Maybe that's why gays tend to hang around in groups with other gays.  This makes sense, but it does leave people open to dealing out more discrimination. 

Be kind to one another - especially to Veterans, and LGBT people.  They've travelled far to get where they are.

Everyone is writing about losing Ted Kennedy.  Until I took some time to process my thoughts, I couldn’t write about it.  Just like him (as far as I knew), I thought I needed to experience my feeling through to my core.  I’ve always felt that Kennedy pondered, assessed, and evaluated before he spoke.  So in his honor, I wanted to do the same.  Maybe talking came easy to him – he certainly had many opportunities.  And all the Kennedy’s seem to have a genetic ability to give a good speech.  But whether by genetics or shear practice, Ted Kennedy was able to speak to your heart.

First there was his speech when he was new to the Senate, only four months after JF Kennedy had died.  Ted urged support of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, which outlawed discrimination in employment, education and public accommodations.  On June 8, 1968 he eulogized his brother Robert and said Robert was “a good and decent man, who saw wrong and tried to right it, saw suffering and tried to heal it, saw war and tried to stop it.” Whether Ted Kennedy had internalized this message long before, as Robert had, or absorbed it later as a result of the deaths of his two brothers, who knows?  The only thing that’s important is that he internalized it.  Kennedy used this emotional connection to help people who really needed help.  

After 1964, Kennedy argued against Vietnam and he called for religious tolerance.  He also said it was wrong that young people could be called up to serve in the military, when they couldn’t even vote (voting age was 21 then – Kennedy helped move it back to 18).  In 1978 when his son Teddy was diagnosed with cancer Kennedy argued that it was only fair that “all Americans have access to high quality, affordable health care.”  In 1970, Kennedy was the lead sponsor of the American Disabilities Act which required that “public facilities accommodate the needs of disabled Americans, and that employers’ should make reasonable accommodations for disabled workers.” 

In a historic speech at Johns Hopkins School of Advanced International Studies, Kennedy was the first to argue that Iraq did not pose the type of threat that justified immediate, pre-emptive war. In 2002, Kennedy argued against the invasion of Iraq.   In 2006, Senator Kennedy introduced a bill with Senator John McCain seeking to reform the nation’s immigration laws and to bring fairness and justice to immigrant families. In the midst of great political opposition to the bill, Senator Kennedy was one of few national political leaders to join immigrants in their rallies around the country. All over the world, and rightly so, gay rights groups have written to express grief, sadness, and shock at the passing of Edward Kennedy.  He was a staunch supporter of civil rights and equality for all.  And, for this he should be honored.

I know I’ve felt sad for Ted Kennedy and his family for the past two weeks.  First Eunice Shriver, and now Ted.  I hope all of his family members know how good Kennedy was.  And that they know he’ll be sorrowfully missed.  

Maybe Tylenol has supported the HRC for years and I didn't know it.  But, I just noticed that the Tylenol website says this:

"In a recent LGBT sleep survey, nearly three in five people reported that they have trouble sleeping at least once a week. If sleeplessness affects you, making simple changes to your daily habits and sleep environment could help you get a better night’s sleep. Try these tips and tools to start a better sleep routine."
 
Then the site goes onto talking about how to make your sleeping environment comfortable for sleep.  I know a fair amount about sleep - see my company's website - www.workingnights.com - and click on the blog button on the right.  Then, once on the blog, scroll down and click on the sleep tag.  Or, just read anything that comes up!  It's all interesting!

I'm not sure, despite the Tylenol survey results, that gays and lesbians have any more sleep problems that straight people do.  Today, everyone seems challenged by sleeplessness.  Nevertheless, I think it's great that Tylenol is supporting the Human Rights Campaign!     

A new study by researchers at Kansas State University reported that workers who are happy on the job are also happier at home.  They found that workers who were engaged on the job, with higher levels of vigor, more dedication, with interest and connection to daily activities, presented with better moods and were more satisfied at home.  The outcome of the study was presented in April at the annual conference for Society for Industrial and Organizational Psychology in New Orleans.  The research was carried out by Clive Fullagar, KSU professor of psychology; Satoris Culbertson, KSU assistant professor of psychology; and Maura Mills, graduate student in psychology. 

Previous studies have indicated that people who report high levels of work-family conflict tend to also report experiencing lower job satisfaction, poorer health, lower job performance and a greater likelihood of leaving the organization.

How can satisfaction and happiness on the job support or de-motivate LGBT people?  It's all about creating an open environment.  We spend most of our waking hours working - or getting there and home!  Most people spend between 50 and 60 hours a week working or commuting.  And when you are at work, your time is taken up by other people - meaning you have to get along with your co-workers and bosses.  When you are gay or lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, you have to choose between being open at work - and setting yourself up for potential silent or blatant criticism, or being shut down - presenting yourself with no sexuality.  Or you can go with the flow and pretend you like the opposite sex.  This sounds easy on some level.  If you are gay, but not in a relationship, why tell anyone?  If you are gay and in a relationship - like a long term one, maybe even one with kids, you have to tell people.  But even today, many people in this situation are not open and out.  Why not?  Because of the fear of job descrimination.

It's difficult to be out at work and it's nearly impossible to live normally if you're not.  Do people who are straight have to deal with this?  No. 

I know I had a tough time being fully out at work, until my ex-partner told one of the guys who reported to me.  It was both a blessing and a curse.  I was happy - I felt some relief.  But at the same time, now he had something on me.  He was the only one who knew.  I was forced to tell others or feel a bit like I was at his mercy.  He didn't use it against me, I just feared he might.  When I had my daughter I was 34; my son was 4.  I'd lived with my now ex-partner for about 8 years.  I was more comfortable with people knowing I was pregnant and unmarried than I was with them knowing I was a lesbian.  I've come a long way, and I think the workplace has too - at least here in Massachusetts.  But, even here there are pockets of discrimination.  And in other areas of the US and the world there are more than just pockets - the anti-gay forces are in the mainstream.

Back to why happiness at work is good for home life.  If you are gay and your lifestyle is accepted at work, you will feel better at home.  It's obvious.  I mean, if you are gay and your lifestyle is not accepted at work, you are in hiding.  Hiding creates stress.  Stress comes out most strongly in how you treat the people you love.  It's clear - you hurt the ones you love the most.  So, workplaces should try and be open and supportive.  People have enough problems in day to day life.  Let work be a positive experience so this will permeate the rest of a person's life.  People who experience a strong, positive work life will be happier at home.  Let's strive to find ways for people to be happy, okay?

My oldest is 21, and boy is it tough living with a kid this age.  He lives at home while working and going to college.  Although the going to college part is a challenge (he's dropped more classes than he's passed) and the work part, while he's a good worker; he's just working minimum wage jobs.  This seems fine with him, until his car breaks down or he want to do something that costs some $.  Then, he runs to me.  I don't want to keep giving him money, obviously, but it's tough.  I still have two other kids - 17 and 9, and of course I pay for what they need, take them places, etc.  My oldest hasn't said it, but he probably resents this, although if he were honest with himself, he'd have to say when he was these ages, I gave him everything I gave them.

Where is this taking me?  I guess my point for the night is that it's hard to move on and be on your own.  I remember when my parents dropped me off at college - I was eager for them to leave.  Being the oldest of four, I was happy to get out from under all the responsibilities of taking care of my siblings.  I thrived at college, despite coming out at the time - this was tough to do at a jesuit college, but I did it.  If you are interested in this saga, buy Alyson Books, Best Lesbian Love Stories of 2010, and read my short story about it.

Today, kids don't seem to separate from their parents as easily as I remember doing....or maybe the parents don't separate from the kids.  I wonder what this trend means to LGBT kids?  Perhaps they want to separate more from their parents (than straight kids) so they can move on and find more excepting role models.  Reality is that I know some straight (and gay) parents of LGBT kids in their late teens and twenties.  They seem very supportive of their children; more so than I think the last generation was.  So I figure this bodes well for the gay teens and their parents, both.  I mean, if parents are open to the sexuality choices their kids make, won't this improve the parent-child relationship exponentially? 

I'm thinking about mirroring.  Kids need to feel their parents mirror them, and visa versa, although no one admits this much.  Kids need to look into their parents eyes and see what their parents feel about them, their way of being...choice of partner.....options of loving - and hopefully it's positive.  Can gay kids feel their parents mirror them?  I believe that unconditional love, the kind of love that comes through mirroring, is something that straight parents (who are open to gay love) can have with their gay children.  People, especially young people, thrive on openness and acceptance.  I wish all parents of gay children could find their way to accepting their kids and giving them the unconditional love they need to thrive.

I don't know the sexuality of my kids, but I'm open to letting them decide what'd right for them.  My 21 year old is still deciding, I'm sure.  While this might cause him some angst, at least he'll know someday, that he made his own choice - no one pushed him.

This is a big week for gay adoption.  Florida is the only state with a clear decision against LGBT adoption.  Missouri, Nebraska, and North Dakota's laws are not clear; other states at least allow single parent LGBT adoption, although many don't allow two gay parents to adopt.  This is a clear cut case in Florida; a case where two men have been raising foster kids and one of them wants to adopt them (I'm sure they both do, but they have to slowly fight their battles, unfortunately).  In 1995, a Florida judge upheld a ban on gay adoption.  Last year the judge in this new case declared that not allowing one of the foster parents, Frank Martin Gill, to adopt the kids was unconstitutional.  She was later demoted! 

Oral arguments in the Florida case will be heard this Wednesday.  In this case, Frank Martin Gill and his partner of more than eight years have been raising two foster children since 2004 (they are now 4 and 8). When the foster children came to live with Gill and his partner, the then infant and his four-year-old brother had shown obvious signs of neglect. So, in 2006, a judge terminated the parental rights of the kids biological parents and since then, Gill and his partner have given the children a loving home.  The children have thrived and are closely bonded to Gill and his partner and to Gill’s partner’s biological son, who the two men are also raising.

Somehow this happy family isn't good enough for the state of Florida which has decided to continue to pursue a ruling against this family in court.

Now why would they do this?  These kids need parents and the parents wanted kids.  These two men were willing to take the children as foster parents and risk getting close to them and losing them.  I know about this because I've been through it.  Worrying about losing your children is a life altering thing, at least I think so.  And how about the kids?  Usually they are young enough to know what's happening, until they are taken away from the only parents they know.  And this is heartless.

But some people, I guess the majority of the people in Florida, are willing to put good  potentially permanent parents and kids through this.  Why?  They must view the world with their 1940's hat on, I guess. 

Kids need someone to love them.  Gays and lesbians are good parents because many of them have not felt fully embraced by their own parents.  So, they are likely to overcompensate and put their hearts and sould into their kids (not that many straight parents don't) I hope Florida is a win for Gill and his kids.  They clearly deserve it.  Why else would he go to court, if not to hold onto his kids for life? 

A man has claimed he was Michael Jackson's lover.  I suppose it was bound to happen.  This guy was a clinic worker who was an employee of Jackson's dermatologist - the same doctor that some claim is the father of Jackson's two oldest children.  Why am I writing about this?  I don't know, I guess because I am frustrated.  I haven't heard of any women coming out of the woodwork claiming to be Jackson's lover.  The story about the gay relationship is probably not even true, but the gossip about it adds to the freakiness of Jackson and it again twists gay relationships into a weird place versus presenting them as natural.

Gossip makes the world go round, right?  So here's more gossip ~ isn't that probably what killed Michael Jackson in the first place?

It makes me think of Bonnie Raitt's song, "Something to Talk About."

People are talking, talking 'bout people
I hear them whisper, you won't believe it
They think we're lovers kept under cover
I just ignore it, but they keep saying
We laugh just a little too loud
We stand just a little too close
We stare just a little too long
Maybe they're seeing something we don't, darlin'


   Let's give them something to talk about
   Let's give them something to talk about
   Let's give them something to talk about
   How about lo-o-ove

I feel so foolish, I never noticed
You'd act so nervous, could you be falling for me
It took a rumor to make me wonder
Now I'm convinced I'm going under
Thinking 'bout you every day
Dreaming 'bout you every night
I'm hoping that you feel the same way
Now that we know it, let's really show it, darlin'

   Let's give them something to talk about
   A little mystery to figure out
   Let's give them something to talk about
   How about love, love, love, love

Most LGBT people have been the victim of gossip numerous times.  Why do people gossip?  Is it because they have nothing else to do?  Sometimes.  But other times it is because they don't like silence so they look for something to talk about; they say something to fill the space.  Or they may lack knowledge and talk about the same things over and over ~ gossiping may help them find something new to discuss.  Some gossipers lack self esteem so they talk about others to keep the focus off themselves.  Some people gossip to get back at others who they know gossip about them or have hurt them in other ways. 

Of course gossiping happens a lot in groups.  It seems like belonging to a group gives you a priviledge to gossip. This is why middle school cliques are so horrible to the student who just doesn't fit in, sometimes the LGBT people or the ones they assume are LGBT.  It may be a little better in high school - but that's only because age makes kids slightly more politically correct.  It's amazing, but by college these days, most gays and bisexuals can live pretty openly.  My daughter (she's 17) has a friend who's a lesbian (also 17).  Some kids at school know about her, but only a few.  And her parents don't know either.  She's afraid kids at school won't like her if they knew.  So my daughter and I took her to Provincetown for a week last summer during the gay festival week.  She had a ball - so did we all.  While we were there the two girls and a third friend participated in the "Free Hugs Campaign" by walking along Commerical Street in downtown Provincetown holding a sign saying free hugs and giving hugs to people.  See the UTube video at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKyVZ0SToqk
One person said they hadn't had a hug in seven years!

Somehow gossiping about Michael Jackson, who's already dead seems really bad.  So does gossiping about gays and lesbians, or anyone else who's a little different.  How about if we just try to be nice and accept our differences.  Read Tenderness and Rot by Kay Ryan.  It's on this blog someplace.  She says, "It's important to be kind and loving."  That's my motto.  How about you? 

A staff member at a job I recently left had this saying over her desk:

"Life should not be a journey to the grave not with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body throroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Woo, Hooo! What a ride!"

I love this.  Life is a clearly a journey.  Today I was shucking corn and remembering doing it at my grandmother's house when I was under ten.  I've lived through having a great career, being in a long term relationship, and having three kids.  Then, the relationship ended, and the economy negatively impacted my career, and my oldest son had some serious problems.  But, I still have three terrific kids.  And, I have great friends and family who love me.  And I love them.

I have gay friends and straight ones....a good number of both.  I'm on my own though, and I do worry about whether my own support of same sex marriage will ever result in this terrific opportunity happening to me.  If I'd ever known that my long term partner would leave me for someone else, maybe I wouldn't have stayed so long.  The problem is, you never know.  Relationships take two committed people, and you only need one to end it.  Two people enter a relationship, but it only takes one to end it.

Let's talk about sliding in sideways with a glass of wine in one hand and chocolate in the other.  Thinking about this makes me feel a lot better.  I just came back from my Friday night dinner group.  I am really lucky....a group of about 15 of us meet for dinner almost every Friday.  And, if too many of us are busy on Friday, it might happen on Saturday or Sunday.  There are maybe six couple sand three single women...and sometimes we invite extras.  Usually sometime between Wednesday and Thursday an e-mail will come out from someone saying dinner's at their house.  Then we all reply back eagerly saying what we will bring.  When our kids were younger they would come too.  During football, hockey, and basketball seasons, sometimes the kids, now mostly teenagers will come and watch the game.  And, they come, of course, if the Red Sox are in the playoffs or the World Series. 

On Friday nights, there's plenty of wine and desert - not always chocolate - but the main thing is there's a lot of support.  And love.  I think as a group we genuinely love each other.  Sometimes one or two of us is totally used up.  But, we go there to be refueled - filled up.  It happens, and it's beautiful. 

Only problem is that I'm the only gay person, at least as far as I know.  There are couples talking about sex - tonight one of the guys was discussing an e-mail he sent to the married women in the group about being nice to their husbands.  He referenced a guy in the west part of our state who was arrested today for killing his wife and chopping her up into pieces.  It wasn't really funny at all, but he thought it was - not the real death part, but the teasing that all the guys might have an urge to do this to their wives.  So, the humor is sometimes a little off.  This type of talk doesn't make me feel uncomfortable, but sometimes I do feel a little left out.  I wonder what it might be like if half the group was gay or lesbian.  They all know about me, and I'm extremely comfortable with all of them, but sometimes I wish the group was a little more diverse.  Since straight people are in the majority, they don't have to worry about bting the odd person out too much.  

Anyway, I'm looking for a way to have a wild ride - not in a sexual way per se, but in a loving one.  It's been a long time since I've felt like yelling "Woo, Hoo!" and I'm overdue.  Don't get me wrong, my life is good, and big picture I'm happy.  But, for my own sanity, I need find a higher level of happiness.  I know many people never find this, but I hope I do someday.   I've had it before and I know what I'm missing.

It's been a long day, and I'm tired.  I decided to post a poem tonight.  I spent too long on my regular job today.  See my website www.workingnights.com.  Click on the blog button and you'll find all kinds of interesting information about working shift work.  Our company was certified as a LGBT owned business.  I'm waiting for the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce to send me their logo so I can post it on the company site.

Tonight I'm thinking about love.  Why would anyone choose hate over love?  I guess it comes down to trust and betrayal.  If you are vulnerable in love, you trust you won't be betrayed.  But, in relationships things don't go well so much of the time.  Before you know it, you might betray someone you love.  In today's Boston Globe (or maybe it was yesterday) there was an article questionning whether you can really love someone you've loved in the past, but have moved on from - or been betrayed by.  They were using Mark Sanford as an example - you know how he says he's trying to fall back in love with his wife after telling the media he'd found his soul mate! 

Well I believe that you can fall back in love again.  I believe in love - if people look beyond hate, what they will find is love.  That's what this poem is about. 

Choosing Love

 

Hatred runs as deep as love

They both bind you

To another

But when you hate

Your heart is sealed shut

Tight

Like a fist

Your core is closed

Blocked

Love can’t make its way inside

And without love going in

True loving

Of any type

Can’t come out

 

I can only put my love

On top of your heart

And hope that some day

A little piece of it

Will open up

And a little sliver of my love

Will seep in

And your heart will be calm enough

To let a little love out again

 

When hearts choose to be open

Love is deeper than hate

People are happier

And the world is a better place

Isn’t love a better choice?

This summer I took a class on the social aspects of aging.  I am getting older; we all are.  But I'm concerned about this - not just for me - but for my parents, sisters, friends, and others.  How will we manage?  Who knows?  All we know is that the population of older people is growing with leaps and bounds.   

For our final exam we had to pick one area where we believed social issues impacted caring for older adults.  Then we had to present our ideas to the class about what we might do about it.  I have a company that deals with the challenges shift workers face (particularly with fatigue and sleep issues, as well as other health and safety concerns - see www.workingnights.com - click on the blog and you will learn some facinating information about the health and safety of shift workers).  Of course, I was proud of my presentation to the class - some of the others, who have way more experience taking care of seniors than I have, said they'd never thought about how serious an issue sleep was for their clients/residents. 

But, I was truly amazed by the class presentations focused on aging gay and lesbians and what this population was going to do as they grew older.  Let's face it, most of us don't have kids.  And even if we did, would we want to rely on them?  So what are we going to do?

During the presentations the two students talked about going back into the closet in a nursing home, assisted living facility, or rehab.  Imagine that?  Spending all your childhood and maybe even your young adult timetable working on coming out, and living your adult life fully out there as a lesbian or gay person, and then feeling you needed to retreat back into the closet in old age.  I don't think I could do it.  The alternatives were to plan to go into a retirement community for gays and lesbians.  Clearly this is a better idea.  But, it's not the optimum.  I mean, I have many friends who are straight and I love these people.  Why should I feel forced to go to a place where everyone is gay?

We had a good dialog after the presentations.  We hoped that the younger community of caretakers was more open to gay lifestyles than the current one.  When you need someone to take care of you, you want someone who's open to knowing who you are - someone who won't shut you off.  I mean, imagine how it would feel to be older, in your last few years, and not feel accepted (embraced is even a better word) for who you are.  Younger people - who might be caretakers in the community living environment will, hopefully, not be rejecting of gays and lesbians, and may be more than tolerant - they may actually be accepting.

When the numbers of people supporting gay marriage hovers around 50%, those of us who might need help in our older years should be concerned about people's attitudes towards us at that point in our lives.  One way to combat this is by volunteering now at local communities of seniors.  I've found that as people age, most of them become more tolerant and supportive.  How about you?  

I am reading Randy Pausch's book, "The Last Lecture" (the Lecture), to the seniors at the local assisted living facility where I volunteer.  Before this we read "Confessions of a Shopaholic" and "Marley and Me." Both excellent books and great movies, which we watched after reading the books.

We were all moved by Marley  (I had a tough time not crying when he was dying - holding back while reading was a challenge).  They laughed at Rebecca Bloomwood and all her creditors chasing her for payment.  But tonight, they really related to the Lecture.  About ten women faithfully attend the readings.  One has her PhD in psychology and was an psychoanalyst and dance therapist for her career.  Another was an administrator at Wellesley College, responsible for acclimating foreign students to the school.  Then there's one who taught special education students for over 40 years.  While the others have less impressive college related credentials, they have lived long lives and have a lot to add by way of opinions.....and I find.....openness.

We only got through 42 pages tonight; the book has 206.  But the group's awareness of what was happening with Randy was unbelievable.  For those who don't know the story, Randy was diagnosed, in the prime of his life (he had a wonderful wife and kids the ages of 5, 3 and 1) with liver cancer.  He taught computer science at Carnegie Mellon for many years.  The Lecture was his opportunity to leave a legacy for his children....and for everyone else who's life he touched - and who connected with his.  His last lecture touched more people that he probably ever dreamt it would.  If you are interested in Randy's story, you should buy his book.  It is powerful. 

My task tonight is to relate Randy's experience with the gay and lesbian lifestyle.  It's actually pretty easy to do.

Randy thought he had a wonderful childhood.  In fact, the main topic of the Lecture is about how he was able to fantisize about all kinds of childhood dreams and in the end, live those dreams. In the book he remembers his parents vividly and all the things they let him do....like draw on the walls of his room without limiting his expression (although his mom did paint over the word "suck.")  It's amazing how a guy who is basically dying right in front of the audiences' eyes is able to rise above it all and teach the attendees something about valuing life.

OUr group hasn't gotten to the end of the book, but I want to share with you some of the most significant points that Pausch communicates about life:

1.  Show graditude - he says just to say thank you.  Some gays and lesbians just expect that people are going to accept them for who they are....and, of course, they should.  But the reality is that most people have all sorts of baggage with relationships.  Why people go the extra mile to be accepting and stand up for you....whether it relates to Don't Ask, Don't Tell, or gay marriage, you need to say thank you.  They've had to overcome their own biases and opinions to be accepting of gay life, and we need to thank them for it.
 
2.  All that you have is what you bring with you -  he says to be prepared.  We need to pay attention to this.  It's easy to be negative and always see what's being done that's wrong.  Try and see the positive.  I know many LGBT people who have had to deal with hate crimes and all types of alienation and discrimination find this difficult to accept.  But, the reality is that you need to try and stay positive.  Nothing positive comes from being negative.

3.  Tell the truth - he says that halfhearted or insincere apologies are worse than none at all.  I agree with this because I've been there.  Everyone makes mistakes but you need to accept and own them in order to move on.   How about all the parents of gays and lesbians who have rejected their own kids.  Look ahead 25+ years and then look back to today.  Aren't you going to want to have your kids around when you are older? Can't you just love your children for who they are???

4.  Don't hide who you are or what's happening to you.  Pausch says "Remove the elephant from the room."  Lay it all out there.  If you do this it will erase anxiety.  People know anyway.  Let people know you are LGBT - be proud of youself.

This last point is a good one about coming out.  People know anyway.  So, just come out and accept who you are.  I hope that parents of LGBT people will read this post and, if they have not been positive, they will reassess their positions and be more open to their children.  Afterall, what else do we have in life but our kids???  

When kids get older, they discard the things they don't want, just as we adults do.  When we moved a few years ago, my daughter - who was 15 at the time - didn't want her old desk and bookcase.  I was setting up an office, so I took them, telling her she could have them back anytime she wanted them.  She's an honor roll student, so I didn't feel I should pressure her about the importance of a desk.  After the move, once I spent months putting things away into new spaces, I sat down at the desk to write (my memoir - Preference for Love: What Does Sexual Preference Have to do with Love and Marriage?).  Looking for an agent or publisher!

When I first sat down at the desk, I noticed one lone piece of paper taped to the back of the bookshelf.  Here is what it said:


"On Being A Champion"
A champion is a winner, a hero....
Someone who never gives up
Even when the going gets rough.
A champion is a member of
a winning team....
Someone who overcomes challenges
Even when it requires creative solutions.
A champion is an optimist,
A hopeful spirit....
Someone who plays the game
Even when the game is called life....
Especially when the game is called life.
There can be a champion in each of us,
If we live as a winner,
If we live as a member of the team,
If we live with a hopeful spirit,
For life
(by Mattie Stephnek)

For those of you who don't know Mattie, he was a boy who suffered from Dysautonomic Mitochondrial Myopathy, which meant his breathing, heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, digestion, and utilization of oxygen were all compromised.  After a long battle, he died of the disease, at age 13, on June 22, 2004.  See http://www.mattieonline.com/about.htm for more information about Mattie and for more of his poetry.

So, with this poem about Champions, what does Mattie tell us?

First of all, he says a hero never gives up - Gays and lesbians. and their friends, can never give up on the fight for equality.  And, we need to bring our kids along too.  This is actually easier than you might expect.  Kids are very supportive of gay parents, whether their parents are gay or not.  I think that's because they perceive us as more open minded, which we probably are.

When the going gets tough, be part of a winning team - This might include taking a stand to support gay marriage, adoption, or gay foster parenting.  But it also may mean saying you think that the gay marriage vote in CA needs to be delayed, as I have done.  Buying time might secure a win.

A champion overcomes challenges with creative solutions - just like blogging to help Obama win the presidential election may help us win our battle for gay equality in the long run.  He hasn't come out supporting same-sex marriage (just the opposite) or saying he's completely against DOMA, but we need to keep thinking of creative solutions.  Just like my letter to the editor about Harvard receiving an endowed chair for gay and lesbian studies.  I said if it's good enough for Harvard to support gays and lesbians, it's good enough for Obama.

A champion lives with a hopeful spirit for life.  I am hopeful that we will pass gay rights amendments bit by bit and piece by piece, until everyone knows that gays and lesbians and bisexual and transgender people are good, and that we are here to stay. 

I believe that while a child needs just one adult who loves them unconditionally, the more adults who love a child in this way, the better off the child is.  But, while there are many divorced parents and broken up families, for the most part every child has only two parents, ususally a mom and a dad.  In lesbian and gay families, in states where the non-biological parent is allowed to adopt a partner's biological child, there are two same-sex parents - but the number is still two. 

Delaware's new statute actually would provide for more than two parents for one child.  The Delaware law allows a "defacto parenting" status so a third parent might exist for a child.  To be a defacto parent, the person needs to:

(1) Have the support and consent of the child's parent or parents who fostered the formation and establishment of a parent-like relationship between the child and the de facto parent;
(2) Have exercised parental responsibility for the child (provides financial support for the child, is in regular communication with the child, and has the ability and willingness to exercise parenting responsiblities; and
(3) Have acted in a parental role long enough to have established a bonded and dependent relationship with the child that is parental in nature.

I find this new law very interesting because I had to sue my ex for visitation of our youngest son.  At the time, in Massachusetts, the Supreme Court had already decided a case giving no visitation to a non-biological mother who sued the biological mother after that mother refused to allow her to see the child.  The judge in this case decided that since the non-biological mother had not performed as many or more caretaking duties for the baby as the biological mother had, she should have no rights related to the child (the non-biological mother was the working parent and the biological mother was the at-home parent). Obviously, this standard doesn't make any sense given the different roles the parent took on.

When I look back at my own situation, I clearly provided financial support for my son (as well as our other two kids); I was the only one working.  I lived with our son, so I was in regular communication with him.  I was willing and capable of exercising parenting responsibilities.  We lived together as a family of five for almost five years after our youngest was born (and for eleven years before that). So, by the time my ex walked out, I'd had a relationship with our youngest for five years.  Since the other two kids lived with me after the break up we were even more bonded (the youngest, me and the other two kids). 

The problem I see with the Delaware statute is that it says that the defacto parenting status is dependent on the child's parent or parents supporting the provision of defacto parenting.  The issue is whether getting this parental support up front when the child is born will really count.  At this time the non-biological parent may be able to get the consent of the biological parent (they may be in a loving and caring relationship then).  But, at that time the non-biological parent hasn't really provided much financial or other support for the child, hasn't been in much communication (if the kids is newly born), and hasn't really exercised many parenting duties at that time.  So, I think the law, while certainly a step forward theoretically, needs to be tested. Time will tell whether it is really an alternative to gaining parental rights when adoption is not allowed in the state the parents and child live in. 

Clearly, if adoption rights exist in the state you live in when your partner has "your" biological child, you absolutely have to cross adopt as soon as you can after the child is born.  Not doing that, when you can, sends a message to the courts about your interest and commitment to the child.  In my case, I should have adopted and I didn't.  Neither my ex nor I cross adopted.  This was a huge mistake that I hope no one else will make!!  We settled our case, but I'm left with defacto parenting status only for the purpose of having visitation - I have no other custody rights.  This means my legal role is significantly limited, although my relationship with my youngest son is very strong and that's what really counts.  Long term, the strength of our relationship is the most important thing.

Maria Shriver gave a beautiful eulogy at her mother's funeral (Eunice Shriver).  She referred to her mother as a "trailblazer" - a woman who was strong and who stood out.  A mother who was always helping others, working, and praying.  Maria reminisced about her mother - she'd show up to pick Maria and her brothers up at school in a blue convertible, hair blowing in the wind (she did have a great head of hair just like all the Kennedy's). She'd be dressed in a cashmere sweater covering her wet bathing suit.  She'd have notes tacked to her to remind her of what she had to do when she got back home.  And there would be pens and pencils sticking out of her hair.  Schriver speaks loudly and eloquently about her Mom's love for her own children and grandchildren. Clearly with what Eunice Shriver did for kids with special needs by starting the Special Olympics, she loved all children. 

For me, the most important forty words are the ones where Shriver says that if her mother was there at the podium right then, she'd say:

"You don't have to be a certain way, you don't have to fit a stereotype, that over your life you can have a full, complete, spiritual life -- a life that is about others and a life that is about family."

I have no idea what Eunice Shriver thinks about gay lifestyles and same-sex marriage.  Maria Shriver, calling herself a cafeteria Catholic (one who picks and chooses which church dogmas and teachings she believes in - she also supports, divorce and abortion) voted against Proposition 8, so she is clearly supportive of gays.  Most likely Eunice Shriver might have supported gay marriage and gay lifestyles in her heart, but she may not have talked openly about how she felt since she was such a strong Catholic.

However, somehow I can imagine Eunice Shriver sitting in front of a depressed and confused LGBT teenager and saying, 'Look, just be who you are.  You can only live a full, complete, spiritual life, if you are who you are.  So what if you are gay, bisexual, or transgender, you are you.'

Too bad most parents aren't as supportive of their LGBT children as Eunice Shriver was of children with special needs.  Not only would it make for happier children and better family harmony, but it might mean fewer suicide attempts and deaths by suicide.   

It is widely known that an alarmingly high number of LGBT youth attempt suicide.  An article by Paul Gibson L.C.S.W., a therapist from San Francisco, reported that there are over 500,000 suicide attempts each year in the U.S. and about 5,000 of them are successful.  He writes, "A majority of suicide attempts by homosexuals occur during their youth, and gay youth are 2 to 3 times more likely to attempt suicide than other young people. They may comprise up to 30% of completed youth suicides annually."  Gay youths may only make up 10% of the population but they represent 30% of the successful suicides.

Gibson reported about two studies about suicide statistics and reasons for suicide. He says that:

1. "Jay and Young found that 40 percent of gay males and 39 percent of lesbians surveyed had either attempted or seriously contemplated suicide

2. Bell and Weinberg similarly found that 35 percent of gay males and 38 percent of lesbians in their study had either seriously considered or attempted suicide

3. Homosexuals are far more likely to attempt suicide than are heterosexuals. A majority of these attempts take place in their youth. Bell and Weinberg found that 25 percent of lesbians and 20 percent of gay men had actually attempted suicide. Gay males were 6 times more likely to make an attempt then heterosexual males. Lesbians were more than twice as likely to try committing suicide than the heterosexual women in the study. A majority of the suicide attempts by homosexuals took place at age 20 or younger with nearly one-third occurring before age 17."
 
If you are gay or lesbian, bisexual or transgender, you know why suicide attempts are so common among young people struggling with their own sexuality.  As Gibson points out, the teenage years (into early 20's) are tough.  Kids are forced to separate from their families while still retaining a core sense of belonging.  They are forming relationships with others and still trying to fit in, while trying to be an individual.  They are working to establish themselves with an integrated and positive identity.  And, they are doing this upon an unsettled foundation - their future is uncertain. Obviously the future isn't fixed for any of us, but over time we learn how to deal with the ebbs and flows of this uncertainty.  Kids don't have this ability yet. 

LGBT youth have a double whammy - they are trying to do all this separation and integration stuff amidst dealing with realizing they have a different sexuality.  How can you be yourself if you can't tell your parents you are gay or lesbian because you know, not just fear, but are certain, that your parents won't accept your lifestyle choice?  How can you develop a positive and integrated sense of self when key people around you can't love you for who you are?  And the future?  If it's uncertain for kids following the straight path, imagine what it's like for those who are not?

I wish that parents reading Maria Shriver's eulogy would think about her unconditional acceptance of all children and follow her lead.  And, I hope that children who have parents who can't love them unconditionally will read about Eunice Shriver and know that there are people out there who are capable this type of love.  While this won't take away the immence pain that comes with being rejected by your own family, perhaps it will provide these children (and even LGBT adults who haven't been able to heal themselves of this pain) some peace and hope - hope that they will find this type of love someday.  And, more importantly, I wish that all people suffering this agony would realize the most important thing - that by going through this pain, and coming out on the other side of it, they will be capable of providing the unconditional love they sought, to others. 

To read Shriver's entire eulogy, see: 
http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2009/08/maria_shivers_e.html?p1=Well_MostPop_Emailed1

To read Gibson's full article, see: http://www.lambda.org/youth_suicide.htm

Eureka Science News reported today that "Members of 'sexual minorities' are around twice as likely as heterosexuals to seek help for mental health issues or substance abuse treatment."  The article cited a study from researchers at the University of California in L.A. as reported in the journal BMC Psychiatry.
 
The researchers used data collected from 2074 people first interviewed in the California Health Interview Survey. They found that nearly 50% of lesbian/gay/bisexual individuals reported receiving mental health treatment in the past year as compared to 23% of heterosexuals. They also reported that gender was shown to play a large role; lesbians and bisexual women were most likely to receive treatment and heterosexual men were the least likely.

These findings tell me that there are coping mechanisms at work here.  I mean, when you discover you are gay, and that you are different (really different), you have several options.  You can:

1.  Jump right in and accept who you are and risk losing relationships that are important to you.  You'll hope that you won't lose any, but you'll know that you might.  You'll come out at work and at school, not in a bold - look who I am kind of way - but in a straight forward, here's who I am type of style.  To cope you'll be honest about who you are as you try and educate friends and family, and other folks along the way.

2.  Jump right in and act like you accept who you are, but in a split off sort of way - you'll have a good time with your gay friends, but you won't tell your parents, siblings, or old (non-gay) friends about your gay lifestyle.  In fact, you'll go to all lengths to hide it.  You won't come out at work or at school.  To cope you might use drugs and alcohol, practice unsafe sex, and migrate to unhealthy relationships.

3.  Retreat and pull back from how you feel - allowing the fear of being different and the fear of rejection (by yourself and others) to take over.  You'll ignore your own sexuality and maybe even pretend to be straight.  In the meantime you might cope by going into seclusion (at least emotionally) while using drugs and/or alcohol to deaden yourself. 

I wonder how many LGBT people are able to choose the best option above - #1.  And then stick with this choice despite never ending changes in their own acceptance of themselves and others' willingness to care about them, for who they are, despite the fact that they are gay. 

My guess is that most people go through option #2 or #3 for sometime before, hopefully, settling into option #1.  For gays and lesbians stuck in #2 or #3, therapy is a way to move towards embracing their gay lifestyles as described in #1.  I'm sure that's why so many LGBT folks decide to go to therapy.

If you are living the lifestyle of #2, then the drugs and alcohol and bad relationships you find yourself in will lead you to therapy eventually, if you are lucky.  No one can live with parts of themselves split off - everyone is one whole person - and all parts must come together.  I should say, no one can be healthy living with split off parts of themselves.  Everyone needs to be whole.

If you are living the lifestyle of #3, then you are lonely.  How can you find happiness if you deny who you really are.  As long as you live your life as a lie, you're miserable.  No wonder you need drugs and alcohol to cope.  If you are capable of being honest with yourself, even if just for a fleeting moment, you will migrate towards therapy to help you elongate the periods when you're honest about yourself and your gay longings.

Therapy is not a panacea.  I spent eight years in therapy twice a week from when I was 23 to 31.  Then I went back for three years when I was 47.  There are many parts of therapy that I don't agree with.  But, I do feel that people who cannot accept themselves in a whole and complete way, LGBT people who are not yet able to live their lives as in option #1 above, are ripe for therapy.  It can really help.  Life's short.  There are many people to love - many people who can love us.  But first we have to love ourselves --- all of us.

If you are living the lives represented in #2 and #3 above, you can be a more complete person - work on it and you will be.  Find a good therapist and let them help you.  This is one of the things that therapists who are honest with themselves and their patients, who are accepting of gay lifestyles and who are not trying to "straighten out" their clients, have the capacity to do best. 

I am doing a Master's Degree in Gerontology at UMASS Boston.  The program is about serving older adults, in essence.  Tonight we had a series of presentations as part of our class final.  We all spent time researching special social issues impacting seniors during the semester and then at the end we drafted a presentation to the other students on our topic. 

Given my background, my topic was on sleep disorders and seniors.  I have a company that provides publications to educate people who work in 24/7 operations - like manufacturing, utilities, emergency services, call center, heath care, and so forth.  See our blog at: http://www.workingnights.com/blog/.  While for the most part we don't specifically deal with seniors, we have some applicable material.  Anyway if you work shift work, you'll like the blog.  And, please buy one of our calendars.

But, I've gotten off topic.  Two of the other UMASS Boston students (out of 25+ in our class) selected addressing the issues of gays and lesbians in retirement as their topic.  Shortly, once their presentations are available on-line, I'll incorporate them into another post.  In actuality, their work was unbelieveable!  To be a lesbian and hear these women (one said she was gay and the other didn't say she was or wasn't) talk about discrimination against gays in retirement settings was really depressing. 

Living in the Northeast, while everyone isn't supportive, we feel that the majority are.  Members of our UMASS class come from all over the U.S.  And, clearly as we know from the same-sex marriage and gay and lesbian parenting debates/challenges, New England is unique across the country.  But nevertheless, it made me worry about growing old.

I read the other day that there are only 270.000 children with gay or lesbian parents; this was astonishing to me - how few there were.  Today in my class I was reminded that despite my longing for children of my own, only a small percentage of older gays and lesbians have children.  So who's to take care of these people as they age.  While no one wants to depend on their children for support and they get older, the reality is that most people have to.  So, I'm happy I have three kids!  But, how about all those who don't have any.

The UMASS presentations also talked about relying on non-family communities as you age, if you are gay.  This is a true observation....although not yet executed in any major way. There are lesbian communities in Florida and out west. But, as far as I know there's nothing in the east.  Not that the east coast is the end all and be all.  However, in Massachusetts we were the first to have gay marriage and our surrounding states are doing pretty well at following our lead.  So it only seems positive that we should have some gay community solutions for old adults.

Based on these presentations, we have a significant amount of work to do to attain equality when it comes to adult living situations.  I am optimistic thought.  There's a lot of us working and thinking about this and it's improving every day!!

Legal issues are so boring, so why write about them?  Well, they're only boring until the crisis you never expected occurs and you realize that your lax attitude towards documenting your intentions comes back to bite you.  Gay and lesbian parents know the challenges they have already faced just to become parents.  They may have been gay foster parents (which most states still do not allow), they may have gotten sperm from a sperm bank or used a surrogate, they may have asked a close friend for sperm or requested someone else carry their baby.  It's not exactly like having sex and getting pregnant or falling in love, getting married, planning a family, and then getting pregnant.  Gay parents do a lot of planning just to get to be parents.

But then when you are a parent, your focus is on your kids.  Sure, you probably have a will so it's clear who has child custody in the event of one partner's death.  But, you may not cross adopt.  It's one of those things you intend to do, but fitting another series of meetings with lawyers, reviewing agreements and all of that, it takes second seat to spending time with the kids, doing your job, cleaning the house, paying the bills, and everything else that every other parent needs to do.

So what happens if one of you dies or decides to leave the other?  It's a crapshoot, depending on which state you live in.  On an NPR radio show money coach Alvin Hall and attorney Shauntese Curry Trye, a specialist in family law, spelled out the complexities and offered tips for getting around
them. You can read excerpts from the show or hear part of it at: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=106844201

The crux of the matter, is that if your state allows adoption, and you're not the biological parent, you have to adopt.  If your state doesn't allow a second parent adoption or a gay adoption, then the biological parent needs to clearly spell out that you are an equal parent of the child and in the event of the ending of the relationship, you are to be treated as an equal parent for custody and visitation purposes.  And, to protect you if the biological parent dies, they need to appoint you as the legal guardian should they die.  There are also things you can do.  You should provide for the child in your will.  This gives you a chance to document all that you've been doing for the child during their life - update it every few years - you'll keep doing more and more.  Have the biological parent sign as one of your witnesses.  You can also supplement these things with a written agreement between you and your partner (the biological parent).  This may not be an agreement accepted by the court, but it will lay out your intentions for the court, and most importantly for each other later or for family members who may need/want to step in if there is a death or significant disability.

I am not a lawyer, so these comments should be taken as recommendation that you discuss with your partner and your lawyer.  However, I am one of the many lesbians who have been burned.  My ex-partner of 20+ years and other mother of our three kids tried to keep me from my youngest (her biological child) after she left me for another woman.  She took him and left the other two with me.  Then she tried to claim that she never intended us to be a family and stated that I was not an equal parent to our youngest.  We were one of those people who never go to the cross adoption, to the legal contracts.  Our two oldest were 16 and 13 at the time she left, so they could speak for themselves.  But the youngest was only 4.  She refused any sort of set visitation schedule, even though I had the other two kids living with me.  I think her idea was that she'd be the only one who'd have all three kids with her - I'd be left out in the cold. 

I sued for custody and visitation.  She was livid - like it was a surprise.  Why do lesbians do this - walk away from their partner and take their biological kids and refuse custody and visitation?  I think it's because they are insecure as parents.  They are worried that their biological child will love their partner/ex-partner more than they love them.  Women are sometimes like that - afraid that someone else will be a better, more loving mother than they are.  In the end, mothers who do this lose - in their hearts they know they're not doing the right thing and all their kids are impacted negatively by their actions.  Why can't people just be nice and care about each other?  That's how kids think.  They don't want to be all wrapped up in the drama - especially when they are teenagers.

Back to the point of this post......See a lawyer.  Protect your assets.  Your children and your relationship with them are the greatest assets you will ever have in your life.  Spend the extra time and money to find a good lawyer.  And do it while the kids are still young and everyone is happy - especially the biological parent.  If you wait until they are unhappy and leave you, it'll be an uphill battle.  This is happening all over the place.  Please don't let it happen to you!!!

Linda E. Savage, a psychologist, marriage and family therapist and sex educator. has a new blog in the Huffington Post about relationships and sexuality.  Todays post included the following section:

"When we rouse sexual energy, it is like a sleeping serpent come to life: the Kundalini. Sexuality is much more than a physical act; it is energy within our bodies. These are concepts taught in all of the esoteric traditions of sacred sexuality. How we choose to express sexuality depends on many variables and when you express this energy with a partner, the choices of expression expand exponentially. But when there is a deep connection with another, when you are truly present together, there is a creative blending of body and spirit, mind and heart. Here is where the practice of spiritual sex begins. Your heart must open, to yourself and to your partner.

Heart opening is energetic as well as psychological. You are creating a container to become conduits of loving energy. It requires partners to shift into loving the essence or the spirit of their partner, not the outer layers of everyday, ordinary life. To begin with learn to create sacred space together."

I read this from a lesbian's point of view, thinking about all those who don't understand homosexuality and/or don't believe in gay marriage.  She talks about the "creative blending of body and spririt, mind and heart" when there is a deep connection with another.  About how your heart opens up when loving energy creates the shift into loving the spirit of your partner....it's love beyond ordinary life. 

Now when two people of the opposite sex achieve this type of love, they often call themselves soul mates or best friends.  People who witness their love for each other are so impressed (and jealous).  They too wish for this type of deep love.  Usually this love leads to marriage and a long term commitment.  It breaks up other less significant relationships (look at South Carolina governor Sanford!).  Once you experience that type of deep love it's hard to let it go. It's like love at a different dimension (see Nathan Field's writing about the 4th dimension of love) --
http://www.amazon.com/Erotic-Transference-Countertransference-Clinical-Psychotherapy/dp/0415184525
 
This type of love comes when you connect with certain people or experience the uniqueness of nature or certain music.  When it happens between two people many times, it's the type of love I think Savage is talking about.  It's very special.
So, how come people don't realize that LGBT people can love in the same way?  Same-sex marriage occurring between two people who are loving at this level are just as special as marriages between two straight people.  It is often just this type of love that causes gays to come out.  I mean, would you go through the whole ordeal of coming out if it wasn't for a very special person you wanted to be with?  

Perhaps if those who are against gay marriage and who have experienced the type of love Savage and I are talking about thought about it, they might stop supporting DOMA!  What if just this special group of people contributing positive voices to gay marriage pushed it over the top.  Wouldn't that be wonderful.   

Today’s New York Times had an article called, “For the Time Being,” written by Norman Fischer, a Zen Buddhist priest. Fischer has just returned from a week of mediation on the Puget Sound in NY.  He writes about how a Zen meditation retreat is not a vacation, commenting on the difficulties of meditating in silence for an entire week.  And, he writes about what he focused on during his time away (underlining is mine – for ease of later commenting):

“If you live long enough you will discover the great secret we all hate to admit: life is inherently tough. Difficult things happen. You lose your job or your money or your spouse. You get old, you get sick, you die You slog through your days beleaguered and reactive even when there are no noticeable disasters — a normal day has its many large and small annoyances, and the world, if you care to notice, and it is difficult not to, is burning.

Life is a challenge and in the welter of it all it is easy to forget who you are. Decades go by. Finally something happens. Or maybe nothing does. But one day you notice that you are suddenly lost, miles away from home, with no sense of direction. And you don’t know what to do.

The people at the retreat were not in crisis — at least no more than anyone else. I know most of them pretty well. They are people who have made the practice of Zen meditation a regular part of their daily routine, and come here not to forget about their troubles and pressures, but for the opposite reason: to meet them head on, to digest and clarify them. Why would they want to do this? Because it turns out that facing pain — not denial, not running in the opposite direction — is a practical necessity.”

Life is inherently tough.  Difficult things happen.  Do you think it’s easy to discover you are gay?  Most gays and lesbians face this fact when they are teens, an extremely difficult time to be different. Some first discover they are gay when they are older adults, usually as a result of falling in love with someone of the same sex.  It’s still a shock, but it’s mediated by the intensive feelings you have for the person you know love like you’ve never loved anyone before. But often, that first relationship doesn’t work out long term and the newly identified gay person’s life is thrown into a tailspin – questions about whether they were really gay or straight abound.  Discrimination, rejection, and abandonment by people you thought loved you, individuals you know you loved, often follows. You have to rebuild your community – find new friends and alternative families. 

It’s easy to forget who you are.  Some LGBT people deny their feelings or cope with drugs and alcohol.  Either way, they lose who they are.  I know for myself that I went through years in a much less than perfect relationship (with another woman) while I focused on having kids and a career.  But through it all, I lost who I was.  The emotionally in touch, lover of music, literature, and writing part of me was gone.  And, I was an accountant focused on financial results all day long.  At night, when I wasn’t travelling, I had three kids to deal with (of course I loved them, this sounds negative – I mean I had to sacrifice myself for them, like all parents do).  There was never any time for the things I really loved anymore, but I didn’t really even notice.  I was on auto-pilot to some degree. 

One day you notice that you are suddenly lost.  For me this was a bit more gradual.  My career hit a tough point when the company I ran was sold and the buyer didn’t want me.  I sought help from a psychoanalyst who let me completely fall in love with her before she rejected me and abandoned me (I don’t know if she was a lesbian or not, she’d been married and was recently divorced).  My partner of 20+ years left me (and our three kids) for a woman up the street – someone who was just discovering she was a lesbian at age 50 (she broke up her family too).  In total, five kid’s lives and the lives of two other parents (me and the other woman’s husband) were thrown into a tailspin. To say I was lost completely minimizes what was going on for me.
 

Facing pain — not denial, not running in the opposite direction — is a practical necessity.  I have done my best to face the pain.   It’s still a daily battle though.  I’ve written a book about my experience – that’s part of what this website’s all about.  I’ve written other short stories and a poetry anthology. I’ve also found that helping others makes me feel better.  I’ve been volunteering at a local assisted living facility and I’m in a gerontology program at UMASS Boston.  If it sounds like I'm busy, I am, but that's not the point.  If I don't have a few nights a week or early mornings just to relax and sit in my easy chair in my bedroom thinking about all I've lost, I feel like I'm a zombie.  I crave this time to myself.  I've never practiced group meditation, but I do it on my own, so I know the value of it. 

So, I’m not a Zen Buddhist priest, but I know what Fischer is talking about.  Do you?  

Glaad reports that a number of US Senators have joined together to introduce an inclusive Employment Non-Discrimination Act to prohibit workplace discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity. Obama is said to support the Act.  See more at:
http://glaadblog.org/2009/08/05/breaking-news-senators-introduce-employment-non-discrimination-act-enda/

Obviously this Act is overdue....but it's better late than sorry.  However, as good as these intentions are, the real problem is that discrimination is not out in the open.  Usually when someone is being discriminated against they're not even aware of it.  Unless it gets violent. 


I applaud the efforts made by our senators.  I hope this proves to be a bill that works.  I'm a little dubious though. 

The American Psychological Association (APA) overwhelmingly voted today that mental health professionals should not tell gay clients they can become straight through therapy or other treatments.  The group's council, representing over 150,000 members, voted 125 - 4. that reparative therapy doesn't work.  The vote specifically deals with the intersecting challenge of bringing together gay lifestyles with conflicts around religious faith.  Therapists are recommended to urge patients seek other religious affiliation that support their lifestyles rather than trying to change their sexual orientation.

I suggest that lesbians struggling with these issues read Lisa Diamond's book, "Sexual Fluidity in Women."  It deals with the fact that most women possess the possibility of being gay, the sexual nature of women lends itself to fluidity vs. rigidity.  I am sure the same holds true for gay men, although I haven't seen relevant studies about this point.  This doesn't mean that most women are going to be gay, just that their feelings could bring them down this path.  And, if it does, it might not be permanent anyway.  The point is that lesbians should be open to where life leads them.   

For myself, I know I am a lesbian.  But, I've met many women who loved women but were not ready to identify themselves as gay.  Maybe they don't need to.  Maybe they just love the woman they are with - this is Diamond's point.  You may be in love with a particular person of the same sex, but only love that person, not the whole sex.  I've loved women who I believe loved me, but don't want to be gay, or don't see themselves as being a lesbian.  And, there probably not.  If they've only loved one or a few women that way, and they don't want to live their lives as a lesbian, what's wrong with that.  Nothing, I'd say.

I'm glad the APA  has decided to be open minded.  They should be.  After all, it's what their patients want and think that's important.  Patients go to therapist to learn about themselves - how they are in relationships, how they love and deal with others.  If a therapist tries to change the patient, they are putting their ideals, wishes, and hopes above their patients.  Who wants to go to a therapist that does this?  Only people who don't want to accept themselves....and this includes accepting the ambiguity of love and the fact that you can't control who you love. 
 

If you are gay or not, but struggling to understand why people can be so anti-gay and discriminatory, read this.


People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friend and some geniune enemies.  Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Be good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

In the final anaysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

- version created by Mother Teresa

I read the Wall Street Journal every day, as well as the NY Times and the Boston Globe.  I can see a place for the Times and Globe to weigh in on whether gay rights should be decided at the ballot, by a state legislature or the courts.  But, The Wall Street Journal???  Since when did they become a central point for a debate about equality?  I know they are looking more like the NY Times every day, but come on. 

In an opinion piece yesterday, Robert P. George, professor of Jurisprudence at Princeton University and founder of the American Principles Project (www.americanpriniplesproject.org), weighed in on allowing gays and lesbians to marry.  See the full piece at  http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204619004574322084279548434.html
He compares allowing judges to decide the same-sex marriage question is the same thing as allowig them to legalize abortion in Roe vs. Wade.  I was shocked to see 125 comments to the opinion - and in the Sunday WSJ.

I can actually see George's point with respect to Roe.  I mean, in this case no "group of citizens" were losing rights that others retained.  I support a woman's right to choose, but either all women were going to have the right or not, and if it had been decided state by state by the people, there would be pockets where abortion was legal and places where it wasn't.  And, there would be all types of other tangential rules in between (like at what point in the pregnancy or under what circumstances did the pregnancy occur).  In the case of abortion, women could choose to go to a state that allowed their abortion to be legal and have it done there.  If they wanted to stay in their own state, they'd have to do it the way it was legal there or have it done illegally.  But, either way they could have an abortion.  It's not so clear when it comes to gay marriage rights.

The debate about gay marriage is about marriage equality. Equality means treating people the same, not differently.  It's difficult for people to vote for equality.  We saw this with racial segregation.  People discriminate against each other, they can't help it.  But, there's already been a lot written on this.  So I don't understand George's need to write more, and the WSJ's need to print George's piece.  

George head up something called the American Principles Project. In George's "What's at Stake" section of his groups website they say this:

" There is overwhelming evidence that the lack of respect for the dignity of every human being, the redesign of the family, the undermining of religious freedom and the rights of conscience, the centralization of authority over education, and the massive intrusion of the State into the sphere of businesses, are steps exactly in the wrong direction. Far from promoting human dignity and flourishing, these steps pose a profound and unprecedented threat to these values. We must do all we can to reverse this alarming trend."

Sounds like motherhood and apple pie - we should respect the dignity of every human being. Except GLBT humans.   Here's what George says in the section on gay marriage:

"It is about sex. The idea that is antithetical to those who are seeking to redefine marriage is that there is something uniquely good and morally upright about the chaste sexual union of husband and wife—something that is absent in sodomitical acts and in other forms sexual behavior that have been traditionally—and in my view correctly—regarded as intrinsically non-marital and, as such, immoral."

This is where George has it fundamentally wrong - it's not about sex, it's about love. 

Here are a few great UTube videos to watch:

Wanda Sykes - Supporting Gays
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4oGKm8Upp8&feature=related

Star Parker on the View - Opposing gays while other host support it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VB6WnoB4vak&feature=related

Elizabeth Casselback and Melissa Estheridge argue on the View
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E79GxL5KEbw&feature=related

Chris Rock on Gay Marriage - he support it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sKWo3Q-UZ8

Miriam Webster's definition of grit - "The strength of mind that enables a person to endure pain or hardship."  An article about the importance of grit for success in life, in Today's Boston Globe, is what inspired this posting.  See the article at: http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/articles/2009/08/02/the_truth_about_grit/?page=1

How do gay people have grit?  Here are some ideas:
1.  We follow our hearts and love others of the same sex despite often feeling significant levels of disappointment amongst our closest friends and family members. 
2.  We come out as gas, lesbians, bisexual or transgender even though we feel conflicts inside ourselves - we are who we are, but we want to be accepted by ourselves and by others.  We fear how others will react to us.
3.  We face discrimination in the most important areas of life such as gay marriage, gay foster parenting or parenting overall.  Sometimes we are not even allowed to visit our significant others when they are in the hospital, even if they are dying.
4.  Despite all of this we stand up and bear it.  We don't just lock our doors and keep detractors out.  We push, prod, sue, lobby, and support each other as we seek the rights to live our lives like every one else gets to.

Isn't this what grit is all about.  Most of us have painfully suffered many consequences from being gay.  But we persevere and push forward.

Last week my father told me that the reason I was laid off - and haven't been re-employed is because my personnel files have notes in them about being gay - and being overweight too.  He said this not by way of giving me support, but out of the continued criticism I've lived with from him my whole life.  I'm not what he wanted in a daughter - I'm some of what he wanted - but I have some serious short comings, in his mind.  To bad he doesn't realize what I've had to live through.

But, I don't care.  He'll never understand.  I can fight with him and try and change him.  I can walk away and refuse to see him again.  Or I can put up with it.  If the criticism was something he did every time we met, maybe I'd choose to handle it differently.  The reality is, I think he's so oblivious to how his comments hurt me that he says them not even realizing the damage they create.  I'd like to think that by putting up with this, I'm using grit.  If I got angry and walked away, I'd care.  My mom would be hurt.  Relationships with all my sisters would be threatened.  He wouldn't care.  So, what's the point. 

I think this his how many gays and lesbians deal with parents.  I want my children to know my parents.  I want to be part of my family.  Yesterday, on my birthday, my parents and my sister and her husband were all complaining about the Obama family's vacation on Martha's Vineyard - saying why couldn't they just take a vacation at home.  Why do we need to pay for them to go away and bring the whole entourage with them.  I turned around and said, "Let's not talk politics at a party." My brother in law turned away from my and said, "shut up," under his breath. 

These are the same types of interactions that occur between gay people and non-supportive straight people.  Don't the Obama's deserve a vacation?  Don't gay people deserve equal rights?  Of course we do.  And I hope the Obama's have a nice time off - it's obvious they're working very hard.  That's true grit!

I may be behind the times, but I just discovered this wonderful poet a few months ago. I highly recommend her book, "The Niagra River."  Her poems transcend complex feelings, like doubts and aspirations, and make them simple, understandable - and also universal.  Somehow reading her poetry makes me feel like I'm not as alone. Here is one that is particularly meaningful to me right now (from "Say Uncle"):

Patience

Patience is
wider than one
once envisioned,
with ribbons
of rivers
and distant
ranges and
tasks undertaken
and finished
with modest
relish by
natives in their
native dress.
Who would
have guessed
it possible
that waiting
is sustainable —
a place with
its own harvests.
Or that in
time's fullness
the diamonds
of patience
couldn't be
distinguished
from the genuine
in brilliance
or hardness.

"waiting
is sustainable —
a place with
its own harvests"

Aren't we always waiting?

- Waiting for a phone call
- Waiting for someone to say "I love you"
- Waiting for understanding
- Waiting for peace
- Waiting for happiness

Kay's poem tell us that waiting is a place of its own.  Waiting sustains us - the harvest may be in the waiting itself.  But then she still leaves hope for what were waiting for - "in time the diamonds of patience couldn't be distinguished from the genuine in brilliance or hardness." 

Today, many people write about being happy with the here and now.  That's good advice, but it may be too simplistic.  I mean, I can have some happy hours, like waking up with my little boy still asleep right next to me.  But when heavy things are weighing me down, like wishing that broken relationships could be repaired, it's just not possible to feel happy.  Ryan's poem speaks to this too when she says, "patience is wider than once once envisioned." She's right.  there's a lot of testing in life.  One of her other poems, Tenderness and Rot, talks about the importance of staying sweet and loving.  I try and do this despite being regularly prodded and tested.

Ryan is a lesbian who has lived her life quietly.  Her long term partner (another woman) encouraged her to accept the poet laureate role before she died.  This is Ryan's second year in the job.

See  Kay read her own peoms at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czWFAOMNLH0.