I'm moving my site over to a new hosting platform so I might be out of commission for a few days.  I've been frustrated by Register.com's inability to offer a subscribe button and other things that I think are critical to a blog.  I have a word press blog for my company - www.workingnights.com/blog.  So, I know what we should be able to get.  For example, giving comments on this Register.com site is impossible.  I've received complaints from people who know me well.  Those who don't are probably also complaining, but they're unable to reach me.

I believe the new blog will work alot better - so please be patient.

In the meantime, I'm thinking a lot lately about forgiveness.  People cross your path all the time and sometimes it feels like a ping pong ball bouncing you off the wall.  You can't believe how someone you cared about has hurt you.  What are your choices, keep bouncing or stop dead in your tracks.  There doesn't seem to be much in between. 

The thing is that it's in the in-between space that forgiveness happens.  No one's perfect, right?  If you are honest with yourself and the other (who you are forgiving - or maybe they're forgiving you) then you might be able to take the whole thing in, deep into your heart and being, and move on.  Some people can't forgive and some can't offer forgiveness.  Pity them.  This is one of the most important lessons in life.  How can you move on from the past and make things better if  you can forgive or accept forgiveness?

As a lesbian, I've received my share of challenges, not that I've suffered from any outright discrimination.  What I have felt is a lack of regard for my way of being.  A good, female friend made mention of some guy who was gay recently, in a very condescending way recently.  I immediately took offense, but I didn't say anything.  I didn't have to; others noticed. 

But separate from my sexuality, I've had many struggles with people who have felt they were better than me, people who've taken advantage of me.  My nature is to love deeply and show my emotions on my sleeve.  So I get hurt alot.  But, I'd rather be like that than hide how I feel, pretending it's not important.  I've been mistreated in jobs, in friendships, in casual relationships.  But, I'm not playing the victim here.  I can hold my own.  I'm just surprised when someone's true colors come out and I'm not expecting it.

So, if you're LGBT, be patient.  The right people with the right colors will come out when you least expect it.  In the meantime, be a good listener.  Support your friends and loved ones no matter what.  Take time to love and support yourself.  Forgive yourself - you can't be perfect.  No one is.  At least no one that matters.  The more you are aware of your failability, the better off you'll be!  Sounds crazy, but it's true.

Maybe I'm the only person who hasn't heard about this great organization!  But, I doubt it.  Despite the fact that its Executive Director is married to someone I've known for over ten years (but who I obviously don't see too often) and that it's based in Boston, where I live, I didn't know about it.  Last night I attended a fundraiser for the organization and I got to meet a number of staff and board members.  What a terrific group of people - and they are doing really good things.

The focus of the group is really on protecting children belonging to LGBT families.  So, they focus on:

1.  Gay marriage
2.  Hate crimes and bullying
3.  Anti-discrimination
4.  Gay adoption
5.  Housing
6.  Immigration
7.  Transgender children

There's many other initiatives Family Equality is involved in.  See the organizations website at   http://www.familyequality.org/index.html and the group's blog at http://www.familyequality.org/blog/.

Family Equality is very much involved in the political arena, but it's more than that.  LGBT parents can connect through the organization, they have events for people to meet eachother, and they have a kids section of their website where children can expand their knowledge of gay and lesbian issues.  I recommend this site as a great resource for LGBT kids and parents!

I'm thinking about loving people for who they are.  There is the good, the bad, and the ugly in all relationships, and we have to do our best to keep loving and caring.  Remember the song, "You've Got a Friend?" by Carol King?  The lyrics say:
 
"Ain't it good to know that you've got a friend
When people can be so cold
They'll hurt you, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh, but don't you let them"

Why do people hurt you and desert you?  I think about having your soul taken and then being rejected a lot, because it was done to me - by someone I would have never believe could do such a thing.  But, you can't really ever know someone, I guess.  I wonder how people trust again after going through this.

When you are gay and you expect that people will love you and respect you, and they don't it's doubly hurtful - I mean most likely you already feel a bit sensitive to being rejected, and then you are tossed out of someone's life, like you are nothing.  This may be what a parent does, a best friend, a teacher, or a sibling.  It's tough to trust anyone. 

Reality is you have to keep trusting despite how tough it is.  I hope it's better to trust than not to.

I'm sorry to be away for so long.  My business is selling calendars and it's that time of year.  So I've been extremely busy!  See our blog at www.workingnights.com/blog.  And, I'm going back to school; my schedule has been challenged the past few weeks.  But, I have it under control now.  Finally!

Last week my daughter came home and told me she'd been to the Gay - Straight Alliance meeting at school that day.  She's 17, and definitely not a lesbian, not even bisexual.  But I can see why she went to the meeting.  She has two moms (and a lesbian stepmom), a best girlfriend who's bi, a good close guy friend who's gay, and another close friend Chris (a boy), who wants everyone to call him Rona.  What a different world than when I was her age! 

I asked how many people were there, and she said about 15 including the three teachers who sponsor it.  One of the teachers is gay, she told me, the other two are not.  She said that they just sat around and talked about stuff, but the way she said "stuff" relayed to me that I wasn't to ask any questions.  So I didn't.

But I've been wondering ever since, how come there's no Gay - Straight Alliance for adults?  According to GLESN there are over 4,000 Gay - Straight Alliances registered with them.  But this group, the training the offer, programs they promote and alliance groups they register are all for youth.  When adults join, it's to support young people. I wonder if today, thanks to these alliances, many youth have more support than people their parents ages do.

I looked up GLADD and they have events, but they're not clubs as far as I could tell.  They put on an event in a city (many TGIF's advertised again for younger gays and lesbians). 

Why do we need a club?  The same reason young people do, for support, comraderie, a place to learn something new and meet new people.  A place to spread the news about what's going on in the gay community - a place to forge changes, like gay marriage and gay adoption.  It's amazing to me that with all that's going on, this type of a forum doesn't exist.  Many people are not discovering they are gay until they are older in life (probably because it wasn't so well accepted when we were young, as it is today - despite continued challenges).  So, they may have buried their homosexual feelings and split them off.  A club or group might help them deal with these new feelings and also with reconciling what they may have lost and gained from hiding part of themselves for so much of their lives.  I think it's be better than therapy - or at least a good addition to it!

I found something on line for older gay and bisexual men called Prime Timers, founded in Boston in 1987 (all the good LGBT stuff starts here!).  There are a number of chapters around the country and a few in Canada, Australia, and one in Sweden.  They have a quarterly newsletter (see www.primetimersww.org/.
 
I couldn't find anything for lesbians.  Why do groups have to be gender based, like the men's one?  It remindes me of summer camp!  I like that the GSA for youth is for both genders and transgendered people.

I guess this is telling me I need a group.  I don't have time to start one, so I'm going to have to look harder!  Why do I need one?  Almost all my friends are straight.  I've been out almost all my adult life, but I need to come out more.  What does this mean?  I need a community of gays to be in my life.  Not all gays, but more than I have now.  Last year I went to a party with mostly gay women (about 6 of us - actually four were gay, two are not anymore - but had previously had a relationship with each other).  I had a party at my house with about ten lesbians and the same two women from the other party.  But, more or less, that's it other than a one-on-one meeting for breakfast or coffee with a lesbian friend.  I'm going to have to work on this!!

Today was the walk for gay rights in Washington.  I couldn't go - it was my sister's 50th birthday celebration.  I saw a little of the march on TV and read about it in the paper.  Those who marched are right, it doesn't seem like Obama is too committed to change anything.  But, forunately,a lot of others are.  So, we are seeing big efforts for gay marriage in some states and the anti-discrimination bill at the federal level.

Still though, the going is tough.  There's definitely hope for the next generation - the kids of the later baby boomers are, for the most part, very accepting.  Tonight my nephew who is eleven, and my son who's nine, were talking about the Yankees and the Red Sox.  My son said he likes both the Yankees and the Red Sox (we live in Boston and my nephew lives in CT).  My nephew assumed my ex-partner lives in NY and said it was ok my son liked both teams.  But, my son said both his mom's live in the same town.  And my nephew and his brother had a lot of questions about it.  Hearing my son tell the story of his life, happily and confidently, made me feel very good.  On one level, it made me feel he is adjusting okay to the challenges life has dealt him.  But, on the otherhand, I'm still worried about him.  I guess a mother is always worried about her children.

This thought gets me back to the march in DC.  The video clips I saw and articles I read indicated a population of 20 and 30 year olds participating in the march.  I wonder where their parents are?  I mean, a parent of a twenty five year old is probably from 45 to 60 years old.  Are they there supporting their children as they make these difficult decisions in their lives - decisions about who they come out to, who they love and care for, who they take into their lives as long-term partners?  Somehow it doesn't seem like it.  I'm not saying they need to march in DC, but these parents need to have a voice.  The need Obama and the rest of the country to know that they expect their sons and daughters to be accepted, loved, and respected.  

I wonder what's wrong with people who can't accept, love, and respect others.  Perhaps they've never felt this type of concern so they can't feel it for themselves and others around them.  I know Obama knows how important this is - he speaks of his mother, grandmother, and others who were important in forming his beliefs and his drive and motivation for his life.  How come he can't see that by not fully embracing gays and lesbians, he's promoting the fact that parents, teachers, aunts, uncles, coaches, and other really imprortant people in the lives of gays and lesbians don't have to embrace them.  It's crazy, the double standard.  I hope that all people will take a good, long look at themselves and make sure they are on the path to acceptance love, and risk. 

 

So, Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize!  And, he says he's taking it as a sign of what he should do to mobilize forward to bring the international marketplace together.  I do have to add that after taking about 10 minutes to review the Nobel Peace Prize website, I didn't find any clear mission for the organization nor anything to clearly state why Obama was qualified and accepted.
 
This doesn't mean I don't think he should have won, because I'm okay with it.  It's just that it might be a bit early given all he has on his plate.  But, it's a very positive honor.

To me peace means that all people of different beliefs, lifestyles, and living situations should live together in "peace and harmony."  Why can't we just be good to one another and be in peace with ourselves and each other?

Parents, teachers, mothers and fathers, grandparents, and bosses who support LGBT rights, let's focus our efforts towards acceptance of our differences.  There is so much going on right now that's supportive of gay marriage, anti-discrimination, gay adoption, ect.  Every day there's some new progess to add.  But, even so, half the U.S. population is not supportive of equal rigts for gays and lesbians.  We need to find a better way, that's for sure!
 

 

I was thinking today about how much more I'm aware about the short tenure of life than I ever realized a few years ago.  I mean, even four or five years ago, I was completely unaware about how quickly life was passing by. 

There are a lot of reasons I've come to this realization;

1.  I'm getting older and I've faced many personal challenges the past few years, like long term relationships ending without a full appreciation for what went wrong, people I've really loved have let me down without even telling me why, and jobs have ended even though I feel I was doing them well.

2.  I'm surrounded by older people, more than ever.  I'm volunteering in an assisted living facility and visiting other older people.  They are sharing their lives with me and talking about the end of their lives too.  All their accomplishments and their regrets.

3.  My mother is going to have surgery and I'm worried about her.  She's always seemed like she'd live forever.  I'm sure this surgery is going to go well, but I'm still concerned.  She's afraid and I think she's facing her own mortality - something she's been facing quite a bit already the last few years.

4.  I see my son, age 21, making mistakes in his life and I wonder if he can ever recover.  If he's lucky, he's 20% of the way through his life.  I look back and I can't believe he's 21.  I hope he will soon realize that he's young, but getting older every day.

5.  All around me, my friends are talking about retiring, sharing health issues, planning for living in older life. 

But, I don't feel old, I actually feel pretty young.  I'm starting a new business, taking big risks in my life.  I don't know if it will pay off.  It's a little scary.  These feel like things people do when they are under age 30, not over age 50.  But, I'm alone and raising two kids full-time and one part-time.  I'm the main emotional support for all of them, I'm sure.  I'm writing many things - about health, safety, and growing older.

When I think about all this, I wonder why people can't just be accepting of each other's differences.  I mean, some are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, or transgendered.  Others are from varying religious and ethnic backgrounds.  Some work in high paying jobs and others are paid less, but often do more, like those who work with the aging or other challenging populations. 

Life is short.  I wish people would be more caring of others.  I guess this is idealistic, but I'll always feel this way.  But there are signs of good things.  We have todays vote by Congress to strenghen the federal hate crime laws to protect crimes against gays and lesbians.  See http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2009/10/gay-rights-hate-bill-matthew-shephard.html
for more information. 

Also, the Montanta Supreme Court has done the right thing to protect children in a lesbian family.  And, along the way, the one judge has expressed his frustration about the lack of acceptance of gay marriage and gay families.  See http://beyondstraightandgaymarriage.blogspot.com/

Don't we all deserve acceptance?  I wonder how my nine year old would think about all this commentary on gay families.  Of course, he loves me and he loves his biological mother.  He's had to live through a lot as a result of our break-up.  But, it's amazing to me how kids are so logical and how they grasp complicated issues at very young ages.  

Life's short and then you die.  I want to be with the people I love and feel loved.  That's my minimum criteria.  I hope those who read this and aren't with those they love, find their way back to them, especially families of LGBT people.  

It's been an overwhelming day.  Let me tell you why:

1.  I spent from 8-4 taking an 80+ year-old woman to her doctor's appointment.  She has Parkinson's and she needed to go for observation from about 10 until 3.  It took me some time to pick her up, help her in the car and drive her there.  Then she went through all the procedures while I waited (on my laptop).  On our way home she wanted to stop at a grocery store - she said her daughter just hasn't had the time to take her lately.  She lives in an assisted living facility so she has food, but how can anyone live without something in their own room?  But this day was particularly overwhelming because the woman was a psychoanalyst from NY who had a practice of lesbians who wanted to be converted to being heterosexual (her opinion).  But today she told me about how she spoke at many Episcopal Church meetings about the importance of lesbians and gays participating fully in the Church.  I don't know what to think!

2.  My business is certified as lesbian owned.  Our lead sales person isn't gay, but she is gung ho about calling the LGBT supportive businesses about their interest in doing business with us.  We talked about it on and off and whenever we do, it blows me away.  Imagine getting business because you are gay!

3.  From 4:30 to 7 my son, who lives with my ex-partner was with me.  I have a visitation agreement that came as a result of filing a lawsuit against her and she settled.  Our son is 9, almost ten.  For the last few months I've been trying to get him to let me cut his finger and toe nails, but he hasn't been receptive.  Note - he's with me about five overnights a month so he doesn't shower that much here.  You'd think someone over there - my ex or her new partner would think about helping him cut his nails, but they don't.  Today I asked him if anyone at school ever says anything about them, and to my surprise, he said that a kid just said today that his nails looked like a girls.  Needless to say, he let me cut both his toe and finger nails.

4.  My daughter told me about how a rental apartment my ex lived in for a very little while was very expensive. When I asked her how she knew she admitted that my ex told her.  My son had already told me that they had been talking about moving in to an apartment, leaving me to believe all is not well at their house,  I'm sorry about that on one level, but not too surprised.  I told my daughter than I'd do anything I could to make it better for my ex, although honestly there isn't anything much I can do.  I don't have the money.  But, I do want our kids to be happy.

I think often about the particular challenges that our kids face.  I mean, they had two moms.  That was tough enough, although they all say our community was supportive.  But now they have two moms who've broken up and one has another partner.  That family situation isn't perfect because the two kids of that person have had some challenges and so has our oldest son.  If I had it to do over again, I don't think I would have been with my ex for so long, and if that was the case, maybe we wouldn't have had all the kids.  But, I love our kids and I couldn't imaging my life without them.  And they are here, so we have to find a way to make it best for them.

I don't understand why my ex won't talk with me about all this.  I guess she's uncomfortable with admitting that the relationship she left our family for isn't the best.  I would talk with her, but everytime I get up the nerve, it seems she's prioritizing a ballgame with her current partner or some trip with her.  It's really difficult to fully understand what's going on.  I do not have any intention of getting back together with her, but I do care that she's okay and that our kids know I'm willing to help her.  Maybe all I have is emotional support right now, but I'm willing to give it!

I went to church today, like I usually do.  Today's theme was unity.  We had a visiting minister from Ghana - he is a Jesuit from the U.S. - graduated from Boston College in 1984.  So, what was his message about unity? 

He had only a little to say about Ghana.  He thanked us for contributing to his effort last year to raise money to pay for storm drains.  Now he's looking to build a septic system and toilets for the church school.  The main focus of his sermon was about how difficult it is for people to come together.

The readings today were the ones I usually dread.  The one where man's rib is used to create woman.  Then how a man leaves his mother and joins with his wife, and "the two shall be as one."  In another reading the people following Jesus were asking him about whether divorce was legal.  Of course he said it was not.  That humans can't separate what God has joined.  Being a lesbian still reeling from the breakup of my 25 year relationship (not my choice), these readings are especially difficult.

But, the visiting priest started out his sermon saying that his parents were divorced, and that their marriage was annulled!  The second reading spoke about how children are taken in by God, and the priest spoke about this too.  He said, kids come first.  Just like my post from last night!  It was difficult for him to tell a church full of people (and many kids as it was a mass dedicated to the 2nd graders making their first holy communion) that divorce happens and that it is okay.

He spoke about how sometimes married couples separate and they do it in a friendly way.  But he said, most often there's a lot of negativity.  I know this is the situation I've experienced.  I think I try to be positive, and put the kids first - and others tell me that they've been impressed with how well I do this.  But, underneath it all, in my heart, there's no friendliness, only hate.  My ex ran off with someone else without any notice.  She has rejected outright, one of our kids.  She's barely there for another.  She claims to be there for the third, but time will tell.  She has the capacity to be, but she just doesn't seem to be able to do it.

The priest from Ghana talked about how we must work hard to be united - couples, families, friends, congregations.  How we can't just look out for ourselves. 

It's often easier just to focus on our own situation.  Who cares what's happening to someone else.  We might even be the cause of the angst the other person feels, but what responsibility do we have?  We tell ourselves, none. 

But this is wrong.  It might be the easy way.  It takes the least amount of output.  But, in reality, we have to care about everyone else's situation.  We need to rise above our own prosperity or our toils and be there for each other.  I'm sorry if this sounds too preachy.  I know on some level it is.

Let's get back to gays and lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered people.  We need to be united with each other.  But, we also need to connect with others and educate them about our experiences.  Being united means finding a way to celebrate or experience sadness in a common way.  Unity isn't always happy.  Right now LGBT people have a lot on the fence.  There's the pending anti-discrimination bill, DOMA, Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and the various status' of gay marriages and gay adoptions across the U.S. and the world.  We need to work towards broad unity.

Getting to a point of unity requires finding some common ground.  Mostly everyone has felt left out, rejected, viewed as different at some time in their lives.  Perhaps if we come together to ensure that no one will ever feel this way again, we can say we are truly unified.  I know it's idealistic, but what can I say?  This is how I am!

I'm back!!  Sorry that I haven't posted in a bit.  I've been having some family difficulties, but they're under control now.

I've had a lot of time to think this past week.  My thoughts keep going back to parent/child relationships.  How many of them are easy?  For the most part, I think not many.  What toll will these difficult relationships take on kids when they grow up?  I suspect these kids will leave childhood with many scars - some they are aware of, and some they don't have a clue about - YET!

A boy, almost ten, has two moms who split up a few years ago.  He lives with his biological mom and her new partner, but he wants to be with his other mother.  I guess this is a bit of "the grass is always greener."  In his household there is a very authoritarian style which makes him feel like he has no control.  In the other house, he has an older brother and sister (where he doesn't live) who really love him and his other mother always includes him in decision making, giving him a lot of control.  Where he lives with his mom, he has two step sisters and his mom's new ex-partner (all somewhat difficult people).  His biological mom is extremely fearful that he might choose the other mother over her, so she significantly limits their time together.  But, this doesn't help at all.  It just causes the boy to feel more desire for the other mother.  The boy tries to make due, but he keeps thinking about how he's going to spring loose someday and live where he wants.  Problem is, he doesn't want to make his biological mom too sad either. 

In another house, there's a girl, about twelve.  She has a father and a mother, but her mother works all the time - she teaches at a local college.  And, her father is somewhat of a loser - he has trouble keeping a good job and when he's home he's always in a bad mood.  He gets angry and verbally abuses her - sometimes she worries he might hit her.  He's come close a few times, but he never has.  Her mom and dad fluctuate between fighting and ignoring each other. Neither of them seem to have any time for her or interest in her.  She's a little anxious, jazzed up a bit.  She thinks she might be gay, but she can't talk with either of her parents about herself.  She knows they wouldn't understand; and she's really afraid of being different.  But, she knows underneath it all, that she is and she's working hard to accept herself.  As she feels better, she starts dreaming of running away, but she doesn't know where to go.  She's stuck.  It's five years until she can live on her own.

Another girl, 13, lives with her mother and younger sister since her father walked out a few years ago.  The mother is depressed; she barely gets up for work in the morning.  Many days the girl has to wake her up, bringing her a cup of coffee.  Every day after school she takes care of her sister, even starting dinner before her mom comes home to make it easier for her mother - she thinks, maybe this will make her mom feel better, but her mom never feels good.  She remembers what it used to be like when her parents were together.  She thought they were all happy, like the families of all her friends.  But then one day, suddenly, her Dad moved out.  Now he has a new wife and two new kids, babies actually.  He acts so happy and he expects that she's going to be happy too.  He wants her to love the new babies as if they were her siblings.  But she feels nothing for them, except hate that she tries not to feel, and ambivalence whenever she's successful at putting aside her anger.  Recently she started hanging with a group who smokes pot any chance they get.  One of the other girls, who was really nice to her, told her she was bisexual, and she came onto her a little; she made her feel special.  The girl pulled back, but she felt a little interested.  Now she's worried maybe she's bisexual or gay too.  She's so confused, she doesn't even know who she is anymore.  She doesn't even think about talking with her parents.  They're too polarized - one's too sad and the other's too happy.

Sitting at the dinner table, a fifteen-year-old boy looks at his mom and dad, wondering what they'd say if they knew what he really wanted most of all in the whole world.  He wants to be a girl.  His fourteen year old sister is sitting next to him, chatting away.  He used to be the one who did all the talking, but now he's quiet and no one seems to even notice.  He's afraid to say much, fearful that he'll slip and expose himself; tell them him innermost desires, and they'll reject him.  His father has a sister; he knows she's cool.  But ever since she announced that she was living with another woman, his father hasn't had anything good to say about her.  It seemed to him like they were always close, his father and her sister, but this lesbian thing really threw him for a loop.  The boy plays basketball and soccer; he's one of the best players on the basketball team - tall, skinny, and lanky.  He worries what the other guys would think if they knew he watched the girls wondering what it would be like to be one of them vs. date one.  But mostly he worries about his Dad.  He's not sure he could take another disappointment after his sister.  So, he holds it all inside - but sometimes at night he can't fall asleep...he's worrying.

What's the deal with all of these parents?  They're focused on themselves.  And, the kids?  They're protecting their parents feelings.  Why does this happen?  Because parents can't accept their kids for who they are.  More than accept - relish them for who they are.  All these kids are great - they are trying extremely hard to find ways to accept themselves for who they really are, while taking care of their parents.  Some are afraid of rejection.  Others don't even know what their parent's reaction will be.  Some fear that telling their parents about themselves will accelerate what they see as an already started downward spiral.  

If you see this situation, find a way to insert yourself.  I know it's not easy, and you have to do it delicately.  But, kids come first in this life.  I know some parents were not put first as kids, and they are often the ones who don't realize this necessity for their own kids.  But, if you are lucky enough to catch onto a kid in real need, one like these, help them, please.